Creepy Cereal Vintage Ads

In case you didn’t think cereal ads today were weird enough (seriously, the kids are always SUPER hyper and annoying so I have zero desire to eat any cereal that would make me remotely like them), here’s a nice, frightening selection of ads from the good ol’ days that is sure to freak you out and keep you far, far away from the featured cereals.

We start with this ad from Trix. Before they ever dreamed up that silly rabbit, they used this manic-depressive five-year-old as their mascot.

I'd hate to see what she looks like when she doesn't eat breakfast in the morning.

My oh my, how far advertising has come. Look at all that copy! No one has time to read that these days (but apparently they did back in the 50s?). Just look at all those words that would be scoffed at were they to be used in an ad today — “ghastly,” “gay,” etc. And did you ever think you would ever see the words “applied psychology” in an advertisement?

This next ad features a happy depiction of physical abuse. Yay.

Moral of the story: Don’t mess with cooks. Ever. And don’t you dare buy that dreadful cereal called Substitue over Corn Flakes.

I would also like to propose that everyone tries to incorporate the phrase “I’ll learn yez!” into conversation at least once a day. It’s not nearly as popular as it deserves to be.

Another rollicking ad for Corn Flakes features this cheerful-looking corpse . . . er, boy.

So kids, if you want to look as skeletal as possible, eat up those Corn Flakes. Guaranteed to make your face three different shades of yellow and your cheeks blood-red.

Notice also the “Waxite packaging” distinction. Those must have been exciting times back then when someone finally came up with a solution for keeping cereal fresh. Poor Johnny can’t have his Corn Flakes going stale, now, can he?

Finally, the only thing creepier than Grape Nuts themselves are these ads featuring an anthropomorphized box of said cereal.

Gee, I sure wish I had a box of cereal to follow me around all day and keep me company. My question is, what would happen if you got hungry? I want to see the ad where The Man gets a craving for Grape Nuts, grabs the box and devours it as it helps him to get out of bed.